


Delusional

by AceOfSpace



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Jedi Quest Series - Jude Watson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anakin smokes when bad things happen, Angst, Artoo is the greatest sassy cat, Beer, Just two dudes being bros and totally not crying or anything, Multi, Pizza, Singing in the Shower
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 00:54:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8124340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceOfSpace/pseuds/AceOfSpace
Summary: Anakin had become a completely different person since he'd fallen in love, and all Ferus could do was watch.Can be read as a standalone fic or as a sequel to 'The Pancake King'.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi readers! Just before we start:
> 
> 1) This can be read as a stand-alone fic or as a sequel to my previous fic, 'The Pancake King.  
> 2) This is based loosely off a Modern/College/Junior Professors AU I'll likely never write in full, but there are snippets in here which hint at university jobs etc
> 
> Enjoy!

_6:45AM. Grieg’s ‘Morgenstimmung’. The alarm message came as a shock to his vision, a single light in a bedroom shrouded in darkness: Time to wake up!_

Ferus Olin wearily lifted his head from the pillow and attempted to swat at his phone, much like a cat laying down in the sun. No matter how he prepared for bed the night before, it was always too early for him come morning. He never felt like he’d rested enough. Thirty seconds passed and the classical music only began to build, already too much for his unadjusted ears. It was enough to prompt him to crawl out of bed. Anything to reunite him with sweet silence, he thought.

It took longer than he anticipated to get to his feet. By the time he did, the clock on his smartphone read six fifty-one. He rose, contemplated his existence, thought about how it was finally Friday, and proceeded to do exactly three jumping jacks by his bed. Of course, Ferus was not the type to describe himself as athletic by any means, but he found that a quick burst of aerobics in the morning helped him grow accustomed to the day. In a way, it helped. Of course, his morning coffee was going to be a much more efficient pick-me-up.

He dragged his feet to a small mirror on one side of his room and examined himself, taming his chestnut hair with his fingers until it bore less resemblance to an abandoned mop. The golden streak at the front fell at his eyes, and he blew it away. He winked at his reflection and flashed a half-convincing smile. It was still early, after all. After he showered and got himself some breakfast, he would be much more equipped for the day.

_7:00AM. The Lion King’s ‘Circle of Life’. The second alarm message was less gentle; GET UP FERUS._

Having forgotten to deactivate his other alarms, and still too lazy to do so, he swiped the screen of his phone once more, just so the music would stop. It was an unneeded reminder, anyhow. He was well and truly out of bed. In fact, he was so awake that he’d managed to pick out his clothes for the day and lay them on his bed before advancing towards the bathroom to shower.

There was just one minor problem.

Anakin had become a completely different person since he’d fallen in love.

He was now regularly the first to wake, and he’d recently started singing in the shower. Perhaps more annoyingly, he’d been also taking his showers earlier so as to mess up Ferus’ entire morning routine. It had him contemplating as to whether he should retreat to his bedroom, where he could pick up his earbuds and drown out his roommate’s off-tune singing with the sound of his third alarm. He could only wonder as to how Anakin’s renditions of the classics managed to ring clear throughout the apartment, barely hindered by the crashing sounds of hot water on porcelain. His roommate was the scientific genius, not him. 

Ferus stared at the wooden door to the bathroom and rolled his eyes before wandering into the kitchen. They’d discussed the matters of bathroom routines, so much so to the point of making rules, when Anakin moved in almost a year ago. Then again, he was never the biggest fan of rules, and Ferus had learned that the hard way. He simply supposed that personal hygiene would have to wait until whenever his roommate saw fit. In the meantime, breakfast seemed like the best option. 

He started with a coffee. With cream and two sugars, it was enough to give him a quick energy rush, and it also started to quell the hunger that was making itself known as his stomach growled. Ferus whisked two eggs with a dash of milk in a bowl, and microwaved them as he waited for the bread to spring from the toaster. He watched the door to the bathroom, waiting for it to open. Instead, he heard Anakin start belting out the first verse of Billy Joel’s _Piano Man,_ and he knew that he would be a while yet.

The beeping of the microwave coincided with Ferus’ third alarm.

_7:10AM. An air horn howling repeatedly. Ferus gave himself no mercy with his final reminder: ANAKIN IS PROBABLY UP ALREADY, YOU PATHETIC SACK OF SHIT._

A groan. He never did get to properly deactivating his alarms, nor did he get around to changing it once Anakin started to show interest in mornings. Once again, he entered his room, this time taking his cell phone with him before he dragged his feet to the kitchen. The air was ripe with the aroma of scrambled eggs and slightly charred toast. Thinking about it made his mouth water with anticipation. He ate slowly, savouring every mouthful, figuring that even if he rushed, there was no way of guaranteeing that Anakin would leave the shower any faster.

Then, just as he’d taken his final mouthful, a miracle took place.

Anakin finally got out of the bathroom at seventeen minutes past, and stood before him with a towel around his hips and a perplexed expression on his face. Ferus could see his roommate looking him up and down judgmentally, as if he hadn’t done anything remotely annoying or shameful. Artoo stood promptly by his master’s side, giving a look as condescending as possible for a cat.

“Woah, Ferus,” murmured Anakin, “Don’t you have to be at work in, like, twenty minutes?”

Ferus looked unimpressed. “Don’t you have to be at work in a whole _three hours?_ ” Could he really not comprehend how long he took in there?

“Padmé and I are going out for breakfast,” he replied smugly.

“Aren’t you going out with her again tonight?” 

“Yeah.” Anakin was completely unphased.

“How does she not get sick of you?” He watched idly as Anakin rummaged through the kitchen cupboards for the instant coffee he’d put away a few minutes prior. 

“I dunno,” answered Anakin with a shrug before tapping on a switch to reboil the kettle. “Same way you don’t?” 

Ferus pursed his lips and gave a thin smile. He was probably right.

“We don’t really see each other at work,” Anakin continued while casting a series of impatient glances towards the kettle and drumming his fingers on the counter top. It seemed that despite his new outlook on life and mornings, he still needed a caffeine boost to gain alertness much like everyone else. “Of course we're in different departments, but she doesn't like a lot of people knowing about us.”

Ferus raised an eyebrow in surprise. If he was in Padmé's shoes, he'd be telling everyone he knew. Hell, he'd be pulling aside strangers on the streets just to tell them. It was clear that they were two very different people.

“Is it because you're younger than her?” Ferus asked, making note of their five year age difference, “If she’s embarrassed by that, I'm gonna give her a stern talking to.”

Anakin laughed, and Ferus found himself smiling without intention.

“Oh, no,” he assured him, “ It's something about keeping her ‘professional and personal life separate’ or whatever. She says it's hard enough for her to be taken seriously at work as it is.” He gave a sigh of relief as the switch on the kettle gave way, suggesting that the water had finally boiled. “People would pay less attention to her achievements if I was there all the time. She needs her own spotlight, and I have mine.”

“Is that why you're going to this gala thing separately?” Ferus spoke about the event with mild disdain, as if to highlight the fact that he wasn't invited. Of course, it made sense as to why he wasn't, but it irked him nonetheless.

“Yeah,” replied Anakin blandly before his voice perked up, “But you know, we're gonna get a hotel later, make a _real_ date of it. Don't wait up.”

Anakin cheekily licked his lips and waggled his eyebrows, tempting Ferus’ breakfast to reappear briefly at the back of his throat. He was getting better at ignoring those kinds of statements, and refraining from conjuring mental images that saddened him. At the very least, Anakin was happy, and he should at least be pleased about that.

“Yeah, yeah,” Ferus tried to brush off the subject, “Well, Artoo and I are gonna have a great night in, aren’t we?” He looked at the black and white cat, who’d since jumped atop a chair to be closer to Anakin, and his electric blue eyes that didn’t show the faintest sign of pleasure. “We’re gonna order pizza, have a few beers, maybe watch a movie.”

“You’re not actually gonna feed him pizza, are you?” Anakin asked, mild worry etched onto his face before he took a sip of his instant coffee.

“I’ll do what I want,” remarked Ferus, showing his disdain for the cat. Of course, he’d never do anything in a million years to harm Artoo. Anakin loved the stupid cat like he was his own child, not to mention that at the end of the day, Ferus simply wasn’t that cruel-hearted of a person.

Anakin was not particularly pleased with that answer.

“Well, he’s lactose-intolerant and onions are bad for his intestines,” he stated like it was the most common knowledge about, “If he gets the runs and makes a mess all over the apartment, _you’re_ gonna clean it up.”

Ferus didn’t feel the need to continue on the subject. After all, he wasn’t actually going to make the cat sick on purpose. Of course, if Artoo hated his company that much during the evening and decided that a trip to the vet would be better, that would be his own fault. He always acted like it was the coming of doomsday when Anakin wasn’t around to spoil him with affection.

“Don’t you have your fancy breakfast date to get ready for?” Ferus asked, changing the topic of conversation, “Can’t you just go away and put on some pants or something so I can get ready for work?”

He was faced with a smug grin from Anakin’s direction. “You’ve gotta leave real soon, don’t you?”

“Yes,” muttered Ferus through gritted teeth.

“Y’know, you could’ve just brushed your teeth and stuff while I was in there. I wouldn’t have minded.”

Ferus felt his cheeks warm ever so slightly, hoping desperately that they hadn’t tinted pink. Of course, they had. He could only think about how the shower curtain in their shared bathroom was broken, and neither of them had got around to replacing or fixing it.

“I’m not shy or anything,” Anakin continued with a shrug, “Nothing you haven’t seen before, right?”

Ferus promptly looked away, hoping he could stop thinking about the fact that his roommate was still wearing only a towel. A lump began to form at the back of his throat as he contemplated a suitable response. His mouth fell open and words teasingly danced at the top of his tongue but no sound came out. It felt like he was always teetering on the edge of annoyance and arousal when it came to Anakin, and it did get in the way of things sometimes.

“Uh, yeah,” he managed to stammer, “I'll bear that in mind next time.”

“Just a suggestion,” he assured him, “Now, go. I don’t wanna be the reason why you’re not at work on time.”

Ferus rolled his eyes once Anakin had turned to go to his room. It was already a little late for that.

“Yeah, yeah,” he responded, his voice devoid of enthusiasm.

“And remember, don’t wait up!” 

Ferus felt his nostrils flare as the feeling of acidity piqued in his throat once more. As much as he would have liked to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and get the rest he likely needed, he couldn’t see himself relaxing too easily. There was far too much on his mind.

He struggled to focus entirely on the movie that he chose to watch that night. It was a cheesy romantic comedy from the turn of the millennium, one that he’d seen at least a dozen times, but one that he wouldn’t dare watch in Anakin’s company. He had a can of light beer sitting on the coffee table in front of him, next to a half-eaten supreme pizza with extra olives, the rest of which he told himself he’d eat later. He’d bought another pizza and another six-pack for his roommate for later, and left it in the fridge. He almost knew for certain that Anakin wasn’t going to come back anytime soon, likely not until the morning or even later that night, Still, he felt like he couldn’t indulge in take-out without saving something for his return. He liked to think of it was common courtesy, perhaps only mildly influenced by his other feelings.

Artoo hadn’t summoned any energy or respect to come and approach him, and instead was wallowing in his own misery and purring as he waited by Anakin’s door. Ferus hadn’t actually followed through with his teasing threats to feed him human food. In fact, he had had no contact with the cat all evening. Even when he went to give Artoo his dinner, the cat had skulked away and hissed, only to return when his bowl was full. 

He hit pause on the DVD remote when he saw the cat move.

The handle on the front door was shaking erratically, suggesting that whoever it was on the other side had a complete lack of finesse, or the wrong key in their hands. However, Artoo’s behaviour all but confirmed that Anakin had come home early, and he never seemed to struggle with anything. 

When he finally managed to unlock the door and step inside, Ferus took one glance at him and immediately knew that something was wrong. His golden blonde curls, usually fashionably dishevelled, were now simply messy, even to the point where a few stray locks fell to his eyes. He’d attempted to unfasten the tie around his neck, but it still hung loosely. The buttons of his white shirt were done up incorrectly, and it was partially tucked into his grey suit trousers. His gaze was cast downward and the previously cheerful expression on his face was nowhere to be seen. Then, of course, there was that _smell._

“You’ve been smoking,” he stated, his voice deadpan. 

“No, I haven’t,” Anakin responded too hastily for it to be true.

“How many?” Ferus asked, seeing right through the obvious lie. It seemed that Anakin knew he wasn’t all too convincing, either.

“Just one.” A pause. “Two. Seven….teen.” He hesitated and sighed as Ferus continued to stare, then snapped. “A pack, alright?! I had a whole fucking pack! _God!_ ” Even Artoo was hesitant to approach him.

For a moment, Ferus was lost for words. He remembered the last time Anakin had appeared to him like this. It was after his mother had died. Shmi Skywalker had been reported missing by the police, and after two weeks, Anakin had decided to take matters into his own hands. Surprisingly enough, he managed to find his mother, but she had been tortured beyond the point where she would recover. They were in the back of an ambulance when she died in his arms.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he asked sincerely, searching to meet Anakin’s eyes.

It almost looked as if he was shocked by the question. 

“No,” he answered after a few seconds of silence. Anakin stepped away from the front door and advanced towards the living room, removing his suit jacket and tossing it haphazardly atop an armchair. “What’re you watching?”

Ferus felt his cheeks warm in embarrassment as he felt around the couch for the remote control, his eyes still on Anakin all the while. He hated how even though he knew his roommate was facing tough circumstances, he still couldn’t stop thinking about how effortlessly attractive he was with his shirt sleeves rolled up to the elbow, and the cobalt light of the television beaming onto his tired face.

“Nothing,” Ferus murmured, the disc of the romantic comedy slipping out of the DVD player as he spoke. 

“Heh, _alright._ ” He could have sworn that he saw Anakin’s lip twitch upwards. He lifted the loose tie over his head before making a clear path towards his bedroom.

Ferus’ eyes widened. Surely, he saw. 

“I, uh,” he called out to get his roommate’s attention, then licked his lips, “I ordered a pizza for you; one with everything. It’s in the fridge for whenever you want it.” He wasn’t sure what kind of response it was going to gauge, for he had no idea what had happened to make Anakin so spontaneously self-destructive. Of course, he thought, it could have been much worse. It was a relief that he was at least at home, where he’d be there to take care of him. 

The reaction he did get was much more peaceful than expected. 

“Everything?” he asked, his fingers freezing over the buttons in the middle of his shirt, “Absolutely everything?” 

“Anakin,” Ferus told him with a sigh, “I think I’d know what your favourite pizza is by now.” 

“Oh,” he seemed surprised. “Cool. Thanks.” He disappeared into his room after that.

They had been living together for the better part of a year, and had known each other somewhat before that. Ferus had come to pick up a few lesser known facts about his roommate, including the exact toppings and crust thickness that comprised his favourite pizza. He wondered as to why his knowledge surprised Anakin so much. Hadn’t he got to know Ferus’ preferences and quirks as well? It lead him to wonder if he was being overly attentive, caring too much, or if Anakin was simply just not in the right frame of mind to think straight.

He was contemplating putting his DVD back on when Anakin emerged from his bedroom in a t-shirt and sweatpants and made a beeline for the kitchen. Ferus watched on as he pulled the handle to the refrigerator door and stared down the black pizza box on the second shelf, pausing for a moment before taking it into his free hand. Anakin looked at the microwave and sighed. Instead, he took a six-pack of beers from the fridge, balanced it on top of the pizza box, and slammed the door shut. He dragged his feet to the living room, placed the food on the table and fell onto the couch.

Ferus rolled his eyes. He would have reheated the pizza. He could only imagine that it would have a strange fridge-related aftertaste, but he also doubted that Anakin would have minded. There wasn't one occasion he could recall during which he was fussy with his food.

“So,” Anakin started before cracking open a can of beer, “What are we watching?”

The royal blue of the television screen shone brightly in the space between them. Ferus hadn’t really given thought as to what he would do next. He just wanted to make sure that Anakin didn't catch him indulging in guilty pleasures and then laugh at him. 

“Uh, whatever you want,” he answered nonchalantly as he gestured to the small cabinet in front of them. The television was decent sized, and the cabinet housed a modest collection of films behind its glass doors. Ferus licked his lips and furrowed his brow, deep in thought. “We probably have something in there with Megan Fox, or I don't know, someone else you like taking their top off.”

“No,” Anakin groaned in protest, “Please no. Not today.” 

Ferus’ lips curled into a sly grin. “We could watch _Magic Mike._ ”

He was met not with a verbal response, but a pronounced raised of Anakin's brow, as if to suggest that he was truly out of his mind. His mouth opened, and he appeared to be on the verge of making some sarcastic remark before Ferus interrupted him. 

“One day, you're gonna watch it.” Of that, he was sure. “It’s so good, they even made a sequel. Really tells you something, doesn't it?” Ferus teased before standing from the couch to advance towards the television. 

He lowered himself to his knees and sifted through their humble collection of movies, some of which belonged to Anakin while the rest were his own. He figured that given the circumstances, he'd choose one from his roommate’s personal collection. Something with plenty of action and explosions, he thought, since Anakin had ruled out a decent portion of his own movies not too long ago.

Ferus raised a DVD box in each hand and waited for Anakin to point to one, which would be the one they would watch. In a face-off between _Terminator 2: Judgement Day_ and _Die Hard,_ the latter won out after five to ten seconds of deliberation. He heard the familiar clicking sound of a can opening as he inserted the disc, prompting him to turn around and look at his roommate with judgemental narrow eyes. Another? _Already?_

The main menu appeared on the screen, and Ferus pressed the button for the movie to play, but he had a lingering feeling that neither he nor Anakin were paying much attention to it. He was too busy stealing sideways glances at his roommate, looking for an opportunity to ask just what was bothering him. The fact that Anakin wasn’t totally engrossed in one of his favourite films of all time really was a red flag of sorts. He wanted to reach out to him, stroke his hair and tell him that everything was going to be alright, but he knew it was inappropriate. He only hoped that sitting with him would be enough, in a silence only broken by the sound of televised destruction and gunfire. At least Anakin was eating, and in that, he found solace.

He recalled, when he was more enthusiastic, that Anakin would quote a mixture of iconic and obscure phrases from the movie under his breath, almost as if to subtly show off how much he knew about it. Tonight, however, there was nothing. It seemed that all he was really focus on was his lap, the can of beer in his hand, and the glow of the street lamp that shone through their living room window, contrasting greatly against the night sky’s thick blanket. Ferus could only wonder how long it would be before he spoke. He didn’t want to admit it outwardly, but he was genuinely concerned. He was worried that Anakin felt he had no one to talk to, when Ferus was more than ready to share in his struggles and carry his burden. He didn’t want things to get worse than what they were, and because of that, he desperately hoped that he would talk to him.

Thirty-eight minutes into the movie, the silence between them had broken, and Ferus realised the truth in the phrase ‘be careful what you wish for.’

“It’s Padmé.” His voice was monotonous, like all the feeling had been ripped from his body.

“Yeah?” Ferus reluctantly encouraged him to keep going.

Anakin looked towards him for the first time in a while, the light from the television shining in his pained blue eyes. He had always been good at conveying feelings without saying a word. He didn’t need to say that he was tired, frustrated and unmistakably upset, all because it showed in a single expression. 

Ferus wanted to ask what had happened, what incident of such great scale was enough to drag Anakin’s emotional state from so incredibly cheerful, to desperate for a vice which he’d resisted for five years. Still, he knew that as much as they were roommates, and even friends to an extent, there were boundaries when it came to their relationship. There were things about which he wouldn’t dare speak to Anakin, mainly for his own sake, and one of them was most certainly Padmé Amidala, at least in a context like this. It was all well and good when the situation was pleasant, the figurative sun was shining on their relationship and Ferus could pretend that the happiness was sourced from elsewhere. Right now, he did not have that luxury. Anakin was hurting and Padmé was the cause, and he couldn’t ignore the fact that he loved her.

“We’ve been together for …” Anakin pursed his lips momentarily to think, “Seven months, right? Did you know that the entire time, she didn’t tell a _single_ person about me?” The annoyance shone through in his words, and even though the anger wasn’t directed at him, Ferus could still feel every syllable burn hot into his skin like a dagger. “Not her mom, or her sister, or _any_ of her friends.” 

He thought about their conversation from that morning. Was it their age difference that embarrassed her? Ferus thought it best to remain quiet.

“The only person who even had an idea was Sabé, and that’s because she was the one who fucking set us up!” He took a hearty sip from his beer can and relaxed further into the sofa, prompting Artoo to leave his basket and brush up against his legs. It seemed that even as cautious as the cat was about approaching his master when angry, he felt that his presence was needed. 

Ferus watched on in mild envy as Anakin gestured for his cat to join him on the lounge, patting the vacant space between his left thigh and the arm of the chair. Artoo immediately began to cuddle towards his master, although narrowed his turquoise eyes upon meeting Ferus’ gaze. He wasn’t going to say anything in response to Anakin’s rant. If anything, he imagined it best for him to get everything that he needed to say into the open. Still, a silent minute passed and he wondered if he was becoming hesitant. His eyes followed Anakin’s hand as he reached for another piece of pizza and guided it towards his mouth. Ferus could have sworn that he saw him peel off some toppings and feed them to the cat, but then he remembered what he’d been told that morning about Artoo’s sensitive stomach. 

“So did something happen?” He found himself asking without thought, instantly wishing that he could take it back. His gaze immediately dropped towards the floor and he gritted his teeth. As to whether he actually wanted to hear the details of Anakin’s relationship struggles, he highly doubted it.

A pause. Ferus felt his eyes on him, almost as if he was hesitating on purpose.

“We got caught.”

“What?” His eyes narrowed while he processed what he’d heard.

“Ferus, we got _caught._ ”

He felt a sharp pain in his stomach once he made sense of his words. It was a strange kind of jealousy; there was no mistaking it. Imagery started to flourish in his head as his mind went into overdrive and he imagined the scenario over and over again. He hated picturing Anakin and Padmé in the throws of passion, no matter their surroundings. He felt his palms beginning to sweat, and he discreetly tried to rub them against the couch cushions, hoping that his roommate wouldn’t notice. Upon looking towards him, it seemed that Anakin’s eyes were only on his cat, as if he too was attempting to banish certain thoughts from his mind.

“Oh my God,” was all Ferus could muster.

“I know.” He sounded tired; almost too exhausted to be angry. “It was her idea. Y’know, the danger element excited her, so about two hours into the gala, she pointed out this unattended storage closet and was like-”

Ferus cleared his throat, and his eyes widened immediately after. He wasn’t doing a good job of hiding his discomfort.

“Have you considered talking to Obi-Wan about this?” he offered, knowing that the older man tended to be much better with advice. If he recalled, even he’d gone through some kind of relationship drama recently, if the phone calls he’d overheard were anything to go by. Additionally, he’d known Anakin for longer, and despite not living with him, he likely knew him better as a person, and knew the right words to say. Of course, there was the fact that in all of this, he would most definitely be an unbiased third party, not completely infatuated with anyone involved. That was Ferus’ weakness.

“I tried,” Anakin began, the annoyance returning to his tone, “but he agrees with _her!_ ”

Ferus turned away and rolled his eyes, thankful that the darkness of the apartment would shroud most of his expression.

“How about Ahsoka?” he offered, “Does she know about you two?”

Anakin scrunched up his face and gave an animated shrug. Perhaps it wasn’t a subject he’d dwelled on many times. 

“I dunno, probably,” he thought out loud. She was a pretty smart kid. “I don’t really wanna talk to her about it, though. It’s almost too personal.” Anakin paused to bite his lower lip and find the right words to follow. “I keep forgetting that she’s my student and I’m her supervisor. It’d be inappropriate to even bring this up. I already worry that I’m too friendly with her.”

There was a sinking feeling in his gut. Ferus assumed that talking to Sabé was completely out of the question, for there was no doubt in his mind that she’d automatically side with her best friend in any argument, even if Padmé was blatantly in the wrong. That left him realising that Anakin was all out of options. All he could do to vent his frustration was to guzzle three cans of cheap beer in succession, and rant to his roommate until all of his feelings were out. 

Ferus licked his teeth in nervousness. He knew that it would be best for Anakin to pour his heart out, to let his anger and despair go before it got the better of him, yet part of him yearned for silence instead. It was selfishness that had him wishing for that. In the months gone by, Ferus thought that he was getting better when it came to his unrequited feelings, that he was moving on and on the way to finding a love like Anakin had with Padmé. However, it was usually moments when Anakin arrived home with stars in his eyes, a smile as wide as the city skyline, when he found himself wishing to be in her shoes. Even at times like this, when his roommate was obviously struggling with his emotions, his heart wounded and the beginnings of hot tears stinging at his eyes, Ferus wished for his position to be switched with hers. Anakin would never come to care for him that much, and he loathed to think about it.

Still, he was the only person he could talk to right now, and for him, he would swallow his jealousy. He would be his sounding board, and the proverbial comforting shoulder. He couldn’t stand to see Anakin like this. It pained him.

“Obi-Wan pretty much just told me ‘don’t take a shit where you eat’,” Anakin informed before sighing, then reaching forward for another piece of cold pizza. “He didn’t actually curse, by the way. Pigs aren’t flying.”

An involuntary chuckle left Ferus’ lips. He had met Anakin’s colleague and friend, and he was by far and away the most polite and eloquent man he’d ever met.

“But we don’t even work together!” Anakin’s voice was raised and he was starting to make exaggerated gestures with his arms, as if to suggest that the beer he’d been drinking was finally starting to catch up with him. “I’m in Engineering and she’s in Political Science, which is almost on the other side of the _fucking_ campus! Still, she kept saying that our relationship was unprofessional and it was getting in the way of her work, and that’s just ridiculous. I _know_ that her job is important to her. I respect that! I bust my ass to find time to see her when we’re both not working. Do you know how rare that even is?!”

He cast a look towards his roommate, seemingly for approval, who nodded in turn.

“But you know what? I think you were right before, with what you said.”

Ferus’ eyes widened in fear. He felt like he didn’t want to be right.

“I embarrass her.”

“No…”

“ _Yes,_ ” Anakin insisted, seemingly sure that there was no other explanation, “I’m too young for her, and she’s uncomfortable. She probably thinks everyone will judge her for being with me.” He seemed as if he had made up his mind. “You know, two months after I turn twenty-five, she’ll be _thirty?_ I don’t think it’s a big deal, but maybe she does.” He had been holding an empty can of beer for a few minutes prior, but that sentiment lead him to scrunch it up in his fist. He eyed a fourth can and licked his lips, hesitating for a minute before reaching forward to get it. Artoo remained settled in his lap, the ever-present comfort that Anakin probably needed.

“I don’t know what she thinks,” Ferus reminded him, wishing that he hadn’t planted the seed of doubt into his mind that morning. “Did you ask her?” Hopefully, he could get some clarity on Padmé’s point of view, and it could suggest that the situation wasn’t as bad as his roommate was suggesting. 

“No, but-” he protested before cracking the can open, “If she didn’t feel that way, she would have acted differently. Windu walked in on us and she stormed out. We talked outside a little, but she didn’t want to be seen with me. We’re ‘on a break’ now, whatever the fuck that means.”

Ferus wasn’t sure either as to what that meant. Had their relationship ended? Was it definite? Or were they simply deciding not to talk for a short while? 

“She said she had a lot of thinking to do, but I don’t get it. We both knew that we would need to make this public eventually, so I just didn’t expect for her to react this way, you know what I mean? We talked about this!” Anakin was long past the point of taking delicate sips from his can, instead, taking hefty gulps and pouring almost half of its contents down its throat.

Ferus nodded in support, hating how Anakin sounded so defeated. He wished that there was more he could do to help, but he found himself stuck.

“I want to show her off to the whole word, and I’ve always wanted that.” The tone of his voice had changed again, so that Anakin was no longer half-yelling. It was as if talking about Padmé in a positive light was enough to calm him. He let out a hearty sigh and stroked Artoo’s back, his gaze averting from Ferus’ concerned eyes. “I’m not in this for fun, Ferus. I’m really serious about her. I just- clearly she doesn’t feel the same way about me.”

Ferus was starting to become conscious of his own body, and all the reflexes and actions he was trying to suppress. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest; a mixture of fear of saying the wrong thing, and anger at Padmé for hurting Anakin so much. He clenched his hands into fists in an attempt to keep them still. The distance between him and his roommate wasn’t much; it was easy and ever so tempting to scoot over and reach out to him, pull him against his chest and run his curls between his fingers. He so badly wanted to tell him that everything was going to be alright, for he knew that it would, but he couldn’t see Anakin believing him.

“You know, whatever happens, you’ll be okay, right?” he tried to feebly reassure him.

Anakin’s brow was furrowed and he glanced sideways at him, unimpressed. “Whatever happens?! I’ve been suspended from work for a _month!_ ” His angered tone prompted Artoo to gracefully jump from his lap. “I could have been arrested for public indecency! Do you really think that I can go back to work and everything will be back to normal? Do you really think that Padmé will even want to be near me after this? What if she never talks to me again? What if she moves away?”

Ferus was left speechless. He’d really been made to sound like a fool, with so many rhetorical questions which he simply could not answer. As he listened, he hated how he noticed the raw sadness in Anakin’s voice, and the fact that he could hear it waver ever so slightly. He considered moving the remaining beer cans back to the fridge.

“You’ll find someone who’ll treat you better,” Ferus eventually answered, of course with himself in mind. He knew that it would never happen, but he firmly believed that he would never do anything to bring Anakin to a state like this.

He realised quite quickly that this was the wrong response. Explosions were rampant on the television screen, and it so brilliantly matched with the anger in Anakin’s widened blue eyes. They shone with the beginnings of tears, and it was something that Ferus couldn’t ignore.

“Are you crying?” he asked in a hush barely above a whisper.

“ _Better?_ ’ growled Anakin, seemingly unable to process the concept, “Ferus, there is no ‘better’. Padmé is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I don’t want anyone else. I will _never_ want anyone else. You know what?” he asked, not giving any time for his roommate to answer, “You bring a different guy home every other weekend. You probably don’t even know what love is.”

He felt like a knife had been thrust into his heart. Anakin was speaking with such certainty, and he seemed genuinely shocked at the notion Ferus had raised. There was no persuading him. There was no way his sadness would be eased tonight, or perhaps for a while. As for his accusation, that was hurtful just as much. Ferus liked to think that he knew a fair bit about love, and he was certainly well-versed when it came to heartbreak. He’d spent many a night convincing himself that things for him, too, would get better. However, so far, he had only been met with empty promises.

He wanted to get off of the couch and leave the room before he, too, got overly emotional, and started spurting out words that he’d regret. He had half a mind to tell Anakin just how much he knew about having his heart stepped on, and how he was responsible for every instance of it. He wanted to tell him about the unbearable sadness that took over his being every day, and how he cast aside his feelings so that Anakin could be happy. The men he brought home on weekends were simply quick-fixes. They helped him forget about his troubles for a few hours, and temporarily eased his loneliness. The truth was that Ferus wanted nothing more than for Anakin to smile every day, but the price of that was his own happiness.

Ferus rose. He didn’t want to indulge in Anakin’s desire to argue. At this point of the evening, he was ready to go to sleep. Still, he had an upset and inebriated roommate to watch. He held his tongue and looked down at Anakin as he sprawled across the couch, taking up most of the room so that Ferus couldn’t sit again. It had him thinking as to how much he’d had to drink before coming home. The four beers he’d had at home couldn’t have been his only source of alcohol tonight.

“I’m gonna get you some water,” he murmured, trying to make his tone as devoid of emotion as he could. He didn’t particularly want to look at Anakin right now. With his back turned to his roommate, he leant over the coffee table and retrieved every beer can, both empty and full. He’d collect the pizza boxes a little later. Once he was in the kitchen, he took an empty glass from an overhead cupboard and placed it under the tap, filling it with water to bring back to the living room.

“You’re just gonna stay quiet?” Anakin taunted from the couch. “It’s ‘cause I’m right, isn’t it?”

Ferus didn’t want to gratify him with an answer. He was going to avoid an argument if he could. Still, the words that were deeply concealed within his heart were fighting so hard to be voiced. Of course, now was not the time. It would never be the right time. His grip on the glass was so tight that his knuckles paled. His teeth were gritted in an attempt to stay silent. It wasn’t working, and Ferus was reaching the point of fury.

He recalled a time far earlier in the year, when Anakin and Padmé had not known each other for long. In fact, it was before he had properly come to meet her, and she was simply a flash of brown hair passing through their front door. Ferus had fixed them a pancake breakfast, and it was going to be a lovely morning. He didn’t envision that he would lose control of his feelings. He hadn’t expected for his roommate to get so upset. Seeds of jealousy had been planted in his being, and were blooming for all to see. The physical attraction he’d had towards Anakin since the day they met had transformed into something dangerous.

So he told him. Ferus bared his soul and readied himself for rejection, not knowing what kind of harsh verbal daggers would be thrown at him. When he was met with kindness, it only melted his heart, and made him like him even more. It was a memory that he replayed in his mind quite regularly. He doubted that Anakin even remembered. After all, he did his best to make it seem like a lie.

Of course, even if he did remember, he likely only recalled the part about Padmé. Ferus suspected that Anakin viewed that entire day in a negative light, remembering it as the day he almost lost his girlfriend before their relationship really started. He likely thought of that morning as something that Ferus almost ruined.

He exhaled, figuring that Anakin was wondering why he’d been gone so long. Perhaps he was confused about Ferus’ lack of witty retort to his questions. Nonetheless, he still refused to answer, for he feared that a fight between them would only make a bad evening worse. He advanced towards the living room with a verbal arsenal prepared, but one which he didn’t want to use. As much as he wanted to tell his roommate all about his experience with heartache, and the months of unrequited feelings that had toyed with his very emotions, this night was not about him. His aim, first and foremost, was to ease Anakin’s sorrow.

He expected to be met with another scathing remark, but instead, there was only silence. Ferus furrowed his brow at first, but quickly understood the reason. As frustrated as he was feeling, he couldn’t help but give a thin smile. A single sight had made the bulk of his anger disappear. With his legs curled towards his chest and his arms cuddling a square pillow, Anakin resembled a sleeping angel. Golden curls fell towards his closed eyes and his stomach rose and fell with slow, gentle breathing. Ferus couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He certainly looked more peaceful than he had all evening, and that prompted Ferus to leave him be. After murmuring Anakin’s name a couple of times and being only met with sighs, he supposed it was the best idea. He could always get to bed himself if he woke later.

Neither of them were watching the movie, so it was stopped. The DVD player was switched off, turning the television screen blue and filling the room with cobalt light. Ferus retrieved a throw blanket from one of the cupboards in his bedroom and gently placed it atop Anakin as he slept. He left the glass of water there, just in case he needed something in the middle of the night. There was every chance that he was dehydrated, even if it was only mildly so.

Ferus thought it best that he went to sleep as well. He was slowly but surely becoming mentally exhausted. Aside from that, it was certainly getting late, even for a Friday night. He spent a few minutes cleaning up the living room, quietly packing away the leftover pizza and arranging their DVD collection into the cabinet. Throughout the time he was cleaning, Anakin barely stirred, although he seemed to take hold of the blanket and keep it close to him. Ferus found himself smiling at that.

He watched him in peaceful slumber for about a minute before Ferus decided to go to bed himself. It had also become clear to him that Anakin wasn’t going to wake for quite some time. With that in mind, he hesitated only briefly before taking a calculated risk. After brushing some of the stray curls away from Anakin’s eyes, Ferus leant in towards him and gently kissed his forehead. He knew that there was a chance that his roommate would rouse, so he backed away rather quickly, not wanting to think about what he’d say if he was caught. His stood like a startled deer for a few seconds, his eyes wide and focused on Anakin’s sleeping form, becoming slightly nervous as he let out a groan and wriggled on the couch.

“...Padmé?” His eyes didn’t open. Still, he sounded so desperately hopeful.

Ferus’ heart sank. Even in the depths of Anakin’s subconscious, she was there. How he so desperately wanted for him to say his name instead, but that was the kind of thing that could only happen in dreams. He tiptoed towards the couch and crouched beside it, checking to see if Anakin looked pained while he slept. It might be best to wake him if that was the case, he thought, even if it meant telling a lie or two about his actions. Ferus examined the mild discomfort that graced his features, but decided it best to leave him alone. If he was really dreaming of Padmé, he assumed that Anakin would back to having happy thoughts in no time. If he wasn’t, and he woke up feeling just as heartbroken and distressed as he was before, Ferus would be there in the morning.

He brought himself to a standing position and refrained from reaching out to touch him. Instead, he delicately took the edge of the blanket with two fingers, and edged it closer to his upper body.

“It’s alright,” Ferus cooed softly, “It’s okay. You’re just dreaming. Go back to sleep.”

“...Mmhm,” purred Anakin in response, who was already looking more relaxed.

Ferus hesitated before saying anything further, for he knew that he could be heard. He wanted Anakin to know all that he hadn’t been told, about how he really did know what it felt like to have his heart swell with joy, then have it ripped to pieces.

“Okay goodnight, Anakin,” he murmured, “I love you.”

He sighed and backed away from the couch, overcome by a massive feeling of relief. For months, those three little words had been kept locked away amongst his darkest secrets, and he ached for them to be spoken. Now, they were finally out, although they had fallen on figuratively deaf ears. Anakin was asleep, in a dreamlike world of his own. On top of that, he had been drinking. He likely wouldn’t remember it in the morning. Ferus was certain that it would be another instance in which he’d bared his soul and admitted his feelings, only for Anakin to bat his perfect eyelashes and act like nothing had happened. His thoughts, his heart and his priorities were simply elsewhere.

“... I love you too.”

Ferus felt tears sting the sides of his eyes. They came involuntarily, quickly forming two straight lines down his cheeks. Never in his wildest dreams had he ever expected to hear those words from Anakin, yet here they were. It was like the stuff of a fairy tale or a cheesy teen movie, where the shy protagonist stood in awe as the flawless Prince Charming or popular boy revealed that _they_ were the one who was impressed, so wonderstruck despite themselves. Ferus could replay the words forever in his head, paying the raspiness of Anakin’s sleep-talking voice no mind. That was of course, so long as he ignored the context of his reply.

“...Padmé, I'm sorry…”

He didn’t love him back. 

That sentiment was not for him, but for the woman of his dreams. 

Ferus took that as his cue to leave, and he retreated to his bedroom. The last thing he wanted was for Anakin to wake and see the look on his face. He didn’t doubt that his tired eyes would soon be puffy from lovelorn sobbing, and that he would only tear up more if he was confronted about it. It was surely best to go to his room and get to bed, where he could hide under his blanket and dream of a happier reality.

Of course, there were some things to do before he could do that. 

He splashed his face with water and brushed his teeth in the bathroom, occasionally peering towards the shower curtain rod and the few plastic rings that hung from it. The curtain really did need replacing, despite Anakin insisting that he wasn’t shy and they could go without for a while. It wasn’t reasonable. Ferus would go to the store tomorrow after work and get a new one. He also decided that a timer for the shower wouldn't go astray, either. 

The last thing Ferus did before going to bed was set his alarms. He usually had three, but the number could go as high as six on extra important days. His first alarm remained as it was, with the soft and joyful classical music calmly bringing him to terms with the new daybreak. Much like the first, the second stayed unchanged, but it was the third, one that Ferus thought to rename. But what to? Anything without mentioning Anakin, he supposed. He imagined that using ‘Anakin is awake’ as an argument was only going to encourage him to stay in bed, at least for as long as they were arguing. He needed a minute or two to think of a new name for that one. In the meantime, he would check his emails, which had been neglected for the better part of the evening.

There was a message from someone whom he barely recognised, the subject of it rather vague. _Re: Application_ , it read. Ferus couldn’t think of anything he’d applied for off the top of his head. Of course, once he opened the email, he was quick to remember what would be inside.

_Dear Ferus,_

_Thank you for responding to my advertisement. I am pleased to inform you that your application has been successful, and I would like to extend my invitation for you to move in with me. I really enjoyed getting to meet you at your interview, and I think that we’ll get along well and have a good time living together._

_As mentioned previously, rent will be $310/week, inclusive of your own room, bathroom as well as utilities and high-speed internet._

_If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to call or email me. I look forward to seeing you._

_Kind Regards,  
Roan Lands_

_PS. Sorry about the situation with your current roommate. I’ve got Ben and Jerry’s waiting for when you move in. Heartbreak’s a bitch, but at least he’s happy, right?_

If he had received the message a few weeks, or even a few days ago, Ferus would have accepted without a second thought. He would have been elated. Roan Lands was someone with whom he clicked instantly, and it was clear that there was a strong friendship ahead of him should he accept his offer. They had similar interests in food and pop culture. They were both irked by the same things, and shared similar opinions on politics and deeper issues, from what they had discussed. On any other day, he would have jumped at the chance, but today he was hesitant. 

He glanced over the last line of Roan’s email and sighed. Anakin was far from happy. In fact, he had never seen him quite so upset. Ferus knew that he couldn’t simply leave him like this, for the guilt would eat away at him far too quickly. He would check on him in the morning, and decide if it would be appropriate to bring up the email. After all, he wanted to wait for the Padmé situation to blow over; he didn’t want to make Anakin feel like everyone around him was leaving at once. It made him wonder if Anakin would ask him to stay. He sighed. It was best not to give himself false hope.

His bed was warm and comforting, a welcome sanctuary after a long day and a stressful evening. He supposed that it was nice, in a way, that he could at least spend time with Anakin, since in the months gone by, all he seemed to care about was his girlfriend. If it weren’t for the emotionally rich conversation, Ferus could have pretended that they were genuinely enjoying each other’s company, rather than making the most of a taxing situation. He pulled the heavy covers over himself and sighed, remembering that he still had one last thing to do.

It was dark, but he raised an arm and patted at the table by his bed until he had touched his phone. Given that it was the weekend, Ferus had no need to be up early in the morning, let alone a need for multiple alarms. He disabled each one, entitling himself to a much-needed rest. However, he cast his eye at the last one for a while. It was the fiercest message, the most degrading, the noise repetitive and rough against his ears. It was an insult to Anakin, implying that he was lazy, and Ferus decided that it simply wouldn’t do anymore. So, he changed it.

_7:15AM. A rooster crowing: Make sure you see Anakin today!_

There was no worth in pretending that things would be different, that Ferus was going to have the kind of future about which he’d fantasised. He and his roommate would never be more than friends, and they would never do everything together or become inseparable. There was going to be a time, sooner rather than later, when he would need to distance himself for his own benefit. Of course, at first, it would hurt. He had spent so many months convincing himself that the best man he had ever met, the one he had to be with forever, was standing right under his nose. Still, it couldn’t be that way, and there was no changing that. Anakin’s heart was elsewhere. He had found his person, and Ferus even found himself hoping that Padmé would have a change of heart. Anything so that he didn’t have to see Anakin’s tears again.

He would check on him in the morning, and perhaps find a way to contact Padmé himself. He would leave the apartment to go and live with Roan, but he would bring about as much peace and happiness for Anakin as he could until the day he left. 

Ferus locked his mobile phone, the shiny screen turning black so as to rid the bedroom of any light. It had been a long night; one that left him with a heavy heart and a frog in his throat. He could feel the current chapter of his life closing around him like four impeding walls around his bed. It was frightening to think of how much had changed in a day. He could no longer pretend that Padmé Amidala was simply a mysterious brunette from Political Sciences, and that her time in their lives would fizzle until she was forgotten. She was Anakin’s one fish in an ocean of millions, an angel among mortals, a diamond among the dirt. Ferus meant nothing in comparison to her, and now he knew that he never would. Still, at the very least, tonight he got to hear Anakin say ‘I love you’, and if he imagined hard enough, he could pretend that they were words for him.

He exhaled deeply and made himself comfortable amongst the blankets, his curled body taking up very little of the bed’s vast space.

It would make for a wonderful dream.


End file.
